April Fools Headlines We Wish Were True

by | Apr 1, 2022 | Opinions & Commentary, Politics & Corruption, Progress & Solutions

Photo by Laura Chouette

April Fools Headlines We Wish Were True

by | Apr 1, 2022 | Opinions & Commentary, Politics & Corruption, Progress & Solutions

Photo by Laura Chouette
What if April Fools' day was used to put out the headlines we'd really like to see. Here are a few offerings based on this idea.

Today is normally the day for spinning artful yarns, publishing them and then letting the date deliver the “Gotcha” when someone swallows it whole.

We have all seen some doozies over the years and they are indeed a fun and sometimes fulfilling game to play.

But in a break with this long established tradition, we decided to go a different way and make up April Fools stories that we would love to be true and utterly factual.

We’ll start with our favorite, the former president:

Donnie Skips to Moscow

Dateline Moscow — Donald J. Trump and a very angry looking Melania took up residence in their new Moscow residence, the apartments formerly occupied by Kim Philby. After a rushed departure from Mar-A-Lago, Trump told staffers he was heading for Miami but instead drove to Palm Beach International Airport and boarded Trump One. The plane quickly took off with flight plan for The Bahamas but then diverted to the Canary Islands, refueled at Tenerife and continued on finally landing at Sheremetyevo Alexander S. Pushkin International Airport outside Moscow. He was greeted by Sergey Lavrov, apparently Putin was otherwise occupied (see below).

Trump gave an interview to RT in which he stated, “The Deep State has operatives everywhere and now that I am outside their reach I will continue my campaign to take back the White House in 2024. Just send donations to my campaign website. Melania needs new shoes.”

Our next missive is directed to the man who would love to be called Czar.

Putin Real Estate Holdings Up For Sale

Dateline Saint Petersburg — In what is billed as the most expensive real estate listing in the history of listings went online today with the auction sale of Vladimir Putin’s Odessa estate. First revealed to the world by now Russian President, Alexei Navalny, the estate was valued at over $1.37 billion. But that value may be overstated because some of the workmanship is now considered questionable—having been performed by some of Putin’s oligarch buddies and their subcontractors. It is suspected that some of the more expensive materials for the palace were diverted to luxury superyachts.

After the full defeat of the Russian forces which invaded Ukraine, causing the massive decline of Putin’s popularity, prison guards and officials took it upon themselves to release Alexei Navalny who was then swept into office in a snap election called by the Duma to stave off massive civil unrest. Navalny’s first acts were the transfer of Putin to The Hague for trial at the International Criminal Course for crimes against humanity and war crimes. Next on his list was getting sanctions against Russia lifted which involved seizure by the Russian state of assets not only of Putin but his oligarch enablers.

Other items being listed for sale include a Long Island, NY estate owned by Russia since 1951. Navalny’s press office also announced an upcoming fire sale on slightly used superyachts.

Domestically there are so many items on our wish list. But time limits us to just this one:

Unified Congress Passes Medicare For All Act

Dateline Washington — The Republican Party suffered a one-two punch in mid 2022. First came the expulsion from Congress of all members involved in the January 6th insurrection—an action required by Section 3 of the 14th Amendment. Then special elections in the affected states and the mid-terms cemented full and decisive Democratic majorities in both houses.

One of the first bills to pass through the 118th Congress is the Medicare For All Act. The United States has now joined the ranks of all other modernized nations and enacted full universal healthcare. With the Republican ranks decimated by their adherence to the idea that only the rich had rights, no real opposition remained to the concept that healthcare was human and American right. The bill includes provisions for massive penalties for any business entities who were engaged in price gouging and profiteering of the American public for healthcare services. Additionally, for-profit healthcare corporations are required to re-register and operate as Public Benefit Corporations which while allowed to generate profits must direct a substantial portion of those profits to public benefits rather than shareholders.

Insurance companies, hospital management companies, pharma companies and their lobbying representatives promised immediate lawsuits all the way to the Supreme Court citing a communist plot. Of course, with the impeachment of Clarence Thomas for conflicts of interest and resignations under pressure of Amy Coney Barrett and Brett Kavaugh (we finally found out who paid off his debts), there is little chance of success for their suits.

Always remember that everything starts with an idea and then gets made real. Elon Musk applied this to Spacex, starting with the science fiction idea that rocket boosters could land and be reused instead of just being thrown away. Now, seeing a Falcon 9 land at Cape Canaveral or on a drone ship is totally normal. The same can be applied to our lives, communities, nations and the environment.

Feel free to add your own wishful headlines in the comments below.


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