CASEYTOWN, DESANTISTAN — It’s Jan. 6, 2028, a year since Ron DeSantis declared himself President for Life, making this country the freest America in America, if not the world.
Despite the Civil War of 2025, when the brave lads of the Florida State Guard, the Florida Election Police, the Proud Boys, the Sons of Confederate Veterans, and the Baby-Killer Polizei weren’t quite able to conquer the renegade states of the West, the Northeast, Virginia, Maryland, and the walled city of Atlanta, DeSantistan’s economy is booming. Cotton prices are up!
In February 2027 every man, woman, and more-or-less potty-trained child was issued their own AR-15 in case California invades.
So-called students occupied the South Carolina Capitol and barricaded themselves in the LBJ Presidential Library in Austin, bombarding our valiant Brown Shorts Brigade with books. A war crime if I ever saw one.
Most of these punks were mad that the universities have now been transformed into sports academies (Go Seminoles!) populated with yellow-bellied Reds who refused to serve in the DeSantistan military.
They’re now incarcerated in our new high-security dungeon built on the historic site at Andersonville, Ga.
DeSantistan has great relations with the White People’s Republic of Greater Idaho under Lord Protector Tucker Carlson, as well as with Queen Ashlee of Alamissiana. We are, of course, disappointed that she has chosen to enter aid talks with the lib government in Washington.
“You know I love you, Ron, honey,” she said. “But I need that sweet D.C. money for them new chemical toilets now we ain’t got no water.”
In March 2027, First Lady 4Evr Casey DeSantis visited Great Britain on behalf of DeSantistan. Well, I say “visited” but I’m not sure that’s the correct term for circling that little pissant island on board the aircraft carrier Ronald Reagan accompanied by a couple of Ohio-class nuclear submarines to impress on the Brits that we’re serious about agreeing a contract of marriage between one of her kids and heir to the throne Prince George.
DeSantistan Free News reported the First Lady 4Evr wowed London in her full-length panther skin coat and chic red wolf collar. She had productive talks with Charles III, too: “Nice little kingdom you got here,” she said. “Be a shame if anything happened to it.”
She’ll make a great Queen Mother: She already has all those pairs of white gloves!
Now that females are not allowed to vote or own property, most of our marriages are arranged, with parents providing dowries of Lincoln Navigators, nice hunting rifles, and My Pillow stock.
Girls are too emotional to make big decisions.
Birth control is, as you know, illegal. Did Eve have birth control? Hell, no.
A woman might die occasionally from some kind of female trouble, but we have enough extra girls that a fellow can always find a fertile 17-year-old to replace her.
In what they used to call “Nature,” it’s a little sad that the last manatee went to “live on a farm” on May 9, 2027. But to be honest, those sea cows were in the way of important coastal development.
Mouse in Handcuffs
Later the same month, the Florida Supine Court ordered Cinderella’s Castle, the last scrap of Wokeanda (formerly known as Disney World), packed with 4,000 pounds of dynamite and blown sky high, while the Mouse, the Mouse’s supposed girlfriend, the Duck, the Dog, and the diversity hire princesses stood there in handcuffs.
It was about time. The site will become an extension of the Villages in which refugees from cities where museums, concerts, ethnics, non-fried food, weird milk, Pride Parades, and science have long oppressed them.
In June, Boss Doc Joseph Ladapo fired all the so-called “medical professionals” with their fancy degrees and peer-reviewed studies and sick notions about vaccines and anesthesia and sterilized instruments, replacing them with some health-care assistants from Chattanooga Community College.
Saved a lot of money.
Shands Hospital has now been repurposed to focus entirely on erectile dysfunction.
Under President DeSantis our neo-Confederacy is building the future. New roads from Nashville to Jacksonville to the Summer White House in Dunedin are state-of-the-art, paved with phosphogypsum, a fine fertilizer by-product. Fresh from Florida!
Green radicals holler that it poisons the aquifer and emits radon gas. So, we lose a few construction workers, motorists, and water-drinkers. Tough. We’ll adapt to this little bitty bit of radioactivity, just like we’ve adapted to boating down what used to be Biscayne Boulevard.
Things got a teensy bit bumpy in July when Key West seceded, but really, who cares? Those perverts can wave their rainbow flags and dress up as mermaids all they want — as long as they stay away from the kids. Even if they have kids.
As our lovely Christina Pushaw pointed out in 2022 when she could still form words, gays are groomers, trying to teach our precious babies tolerance and accessorizing.
On Sept. 14, birthday of our beloved president, every town in DeSantistan piled up all their remaining books and burned them in celebratory bonfires.
That 451̊ Fahrenheit-thing turns out to be true!
As we all remember, Hurricane Bubba struck on Nov. 1, wiping out Tampa and breaking off large chunks of Pasco and Manatee counties which subsequently sank into the Gulf of Mexico.
Challenging times. But speaking personally, I enjoyed Christmas on Tallahassee Beach. And we’re all looking forward to the spring offensive against the lib government in Washington.
We’ve conscripted every white boy over 12 and appropriated whatever materiel (two tanks, three Cessna T-41 Mescaleros, and a Hummer!) the lib army didn’t wreck before they fled our righteous wrath.
(Fake news persists in claiming the libs threw their hands up and said, “For God’s sake, we don’t want them! Should have let them go in 1861!”)
The libs will be sorry once we saddle up our battle mules and head for D.C. We ride north to engage the enemy as soon as everybody gets through this Chick-Fil-A line.
The Phoenix is a nonprofit news site that’s free of advertising and free to readers. We cover state government and politics with a staff of five journalists located at the Florida Press Center in downtown Tallahassee.