Republished with permission from D. Earl Stephens

(EDITOR’S NOTE: With his campaign in a free fall, Donald Trump spent Labor Day morning with key members of his campaign staff at his headquarters at the Mar-a-Lago Club in Palm Beach, Florida. A transcript of the meeting, which became heated at times, was leaked to Enough Already and this is what it sounded like …

DONALD TRUMP: I want to thank everybody for attending this situational meeting of my terrific campaign to win the presidency of the spectacular United States of America for the final time in December. I know there are other places you could be on Labor Day being served by pathetic workers, so you can all thank me later for allowing you to be here with me today instead.

ADVISOR ON RACIST AFFAIRS, STEPHEN MILLER: November, Führer.

TRUMP: What?!

MILLER: You will win the presidency for the final time in November, not December.

TRUMP: That’s what I said.

MILLER: Respectfully, Führer, you said December. But if the election is stolen from us again in November we will win in December thanks to all the work you have done with Vlad undermining democracy the past seven years!!

TRUMP: Precisely. That’s why I said that, fish-face.

MILLER: I apologize, Führer. You are always one step ahead of us mere mortals. It won’t happen again.

TRUMP: Well, it better not. I don’t keep you around for your looks that’s for sure. Now where was I … Oh yeah, my spectacular, tremendous campaign. I have to say I thought I’d be up about 15 or 20 points by now, especially after almost assassinating myself.

SOUTH CAROLINA SENATOR LINDSEY GRAHAM: Assassinated yourself???

TRUMP: Never mind … Forget I said that, Lindsey. Go back to your knitting.

GRAHAM: Yes, Mr. Trump.

TRUMP: Point is, these poll numbers have me a littler bit worried — not a lot — a little. I’m surprised we haven’t locked everything up yet. I have run a near perfect campaign, have limited my golf to six times a week, and have Maggie and those dopes over at The New York Times in my hip pocket.

JD VANCE: Well, I’m getting a lot of great vibes out on the campaign trail, sir!

TRUMP: Sorry, who the hell are you?

VANCE: HA! Good one, sir! I’m JD Vance, your vice presidential running mate!

TRUMP: Oh, yeah. Well, you look like hell. I’m not hearing good things about you, ya know. And you know what happens when I hear bad things about my vice presidents.

MILLER: <sadistic laugh>

VANCE: I apologize, sir. I am doing everything I possibly can to make you proud of me, while following Kamala around everywhere she goes. She does an event in Milwaukee, I do an event in Milwaukee. She does an event in Arizona, I do an event in Arizona. There’s not a place she goes, where we aren’t right behind her.

TRUMP: So yer stalking her?

VANCE: Well … I wouldn’t call it that, sir.

TRUMP: I would. Usually stalking women is a very effective strategy to make sure they do exactly what you want them to. I have used it to my advantage my entire incredible life. Hell, I used to chase the hot, little contestants in my beauty pageants into their locker rooms, and they absolutely loved for me for it. Isn’t that right, Lara?

REPUBLICAN NATIONAL COMMITTEE CO-CHAIR, CHEAP LOUNGE ACT, AND TRUMP’S DAUGHTER-IN-LAW, LARA TRUMP: That’s right, daddy. It was before my time, but I have seen you stalk many women through the years, and they absolutely love it!

TRUMP: Stalked you a few times, didn’t I, baby cakes?

LARA TRUMP: Well, I …

TRUMP: You were wearing that tight little purple-striped skirt and those hot-red stilettos I like so much. Your legs started at the floor and didn’t end till they reached the ceiling … Why I …

<ENTIRE ROOM GOES DEAD SILENT FOR 25 SECONDS>

LARA TRUMP <interrupts>: This might not be the best place for this, daddy.

TRUMP: You can say that again, hot stuff. Maybe later, behind the two-ton cooker on the Pro’s Patio? I haven’t seen Melania in five weeks, ya know.

<I MEAN, YOU CAN NOW HEAR A DAMN PIN DROP>

MILLER <breaking the interminable silence>: I’m sorry, Führer. That must be very tough to be separated from your wife like that.

TRUMP: Thank you, Stephen. That’s very considerate. She took the tall kid who used to wander around here, and went off to New York City for a shopping day, and I haven’t seen here since early-August.

MILLER: Barron?

TRUMP: Who?

MILLER: The tall kid, Barron.

TRUMP: Who’s that?

MILLER: Barron! Your son! The tall kid Melania went off with!

TRUMP: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah … Of course. This campaign has got me preoccupied. Good boy that Barron. Almost as tall as I am now … Could stand to lose a little weight. Beats those other two dopes I call sons, though.

LARA TRUMP: Daddy!!

TRUMP: Sorry, but we both know I’m right, sweets. Eric couldn’t spell cat if you spotted him the ‘K’ and the ‘T’.

LARA TRUMP: Anyway … This might not be the best use of our time. I am seeing some disturbing trends from our internal polling in the battleground states.

TRUMP: Like what???

LARA TRUMP: Well, I hate to bring this up in light of the last absolutely horrible, mortifying five minutes of this discussion, but we are hemorrhaging support among women.

TRUMP <hollering>: WHAT??? How the hell can that be???? Nobody loves women as much as I do. I might be the straightest candidate who has ever run! I love women, and have never even looked at a man. I mean, I might have glimpsed at Hulk Hogan while he was dressing for our unbelievable convention because I was curious, but it was only for a quick second, and I didn’t mean anything by it. He knows that.

<DEAD SILENCE IN THE ROOM FOR 17 SECONDS>

TRUMP: What?! What the hell is everybody so quiet about? This is JB’s fault isn’t it? He’s killing the support and love women have for me, isn’t he???

VANCE: It’s JD, not JB, and I haven’t said a single thing that would insult any real woman out there.

TRUMP: You arguing with me, sonny? Do you remember what happened to that pencil-necked Pence when I hot overheated? I snap my fingers, and you’ll been staring at more goateed bubbas packing more military-grade weaponry than you ever pictured in your worst nightmare. Got it???

VANCE: No. I mean, yes. I uh … I just … well …

MILLER: <sadistic laugh>

TRUMP: You need to straighten out whatever the hell is happening out on the campaign trail right now, and get back women’s support for me, because there is NO WAY I am losing to one of them, YOU HEAR ME????

VANCE: Yes, Führer. Er, sir. Er, Mr. Trump.

TRUMP: Good. How’s the support from my Black people going? Yer not gonna tell me that’s going away, too, are you?

LARA TRUMP: Well, now that you mention it …

TRUMP: What????? After all I’ve done to them?

MILLER: For them, Führer.

TRUMP: WHAT?!?!

MILLER: You said to them. Not for them.

TRUMP: Shudup.

MILLER: Ya, Führer.

LARA TRUMP: Boys! Stop! It seems like the switch to Harris has brought the Black vote along with it. We might manage 10 percent in November, but I wouldn’t expect much more than that.

TRUMP: Who’s Harris?

LARA TRUMP: The woman you are running against.

TRUMP: You mean Kamala?

LARA TRUMP: Yes, Kamala Harris.

TRUMP: Her last name’s Harris?

LARA TRUMP: Yes.

TRUMP: Huh. Damn … How didn’t I know that? What kind of Black name is that???And how am I losing the Black vote now? All the Black jobs I provided during my presidency and THIS is the thanks I get.

MILLER: Incredibly disrespectful, Führer. There isn’t a thing I wouldn’t do for you, and I am white!

TRUMP: Thank you, Stephen. Yer a weird SOB, but you are loyal, and somehow connect to our base better than anybody else besides me on our team.

MILLER: I am overwhelmed with pride, and I would cry right now, if I knew how to, Führer.

TRUMP: OK, well … anyway … I dare ask, anything else I need to be aware of? I have a tee time in 30 minutes.

LARA TRUMP: Younger voters are also indicating they are supporting Harris in droves. Some polls have them favoring her by 40 points.

TRUMP: So I am losing women voters, Black voters, and younger voters. Please tell me I am holding onto my white men?

LARA TRUMP: Yes, but even their support is slipping some.

TRUMP: So before I go out and assault my golf course, would anybody in here kindly explain to me how I can win this thing without attacking America again?????

SUPREME COURT JUSTICE, CLARENCE THOMAS: You just go on and enjoy your round of golf, Donald. We got this well in hand …